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US Patent Office Acknowledges Error in Judgment

Rice's Testimony Ensures No Further Inquiry into 9/11

Editorial: Is Spain full of cowards?

White House puts Kerry on the spot - again

FBI: Rumsfeld's fingerprints found on "Winds Of Black Death" letter

Software licenses have it out in arena free-for-all

Oh my God! It finally happened to ME!

Shareholder seeks to commit SCO's Darl McBride

Editorial: Learning from our past

Capsules (Feb. 28/29)

Popular social website (Orkut) revealed as college experiment

Popdex

Martial Law Declared by Exasperated Greens

Eugene, OR and New York, NY (HACT Exclusive) - Disgusted by the turn of events in the 2004 election, the Green Party has declared martial law in the United States of America and announced the forcible dissolution of the Democratic Party. Their bold statement to the press was made during midnight press conferences on both coasts and was indeed backed up by nothing less than an army.

David Cobb with his head enforcer Mario del Sweeney shortly before the history-making press conference

Groups of armed soldiers calling themselves the "Green Resistance Force" announced their presence outside the seat of government of each of the 50 state capitals, the White House, the Pentagon, and other vital locations around the nation. Shocked and surprised during a long and late election night, American military forces have not yet mustered a response in kind, which may be due to Green infiltration.

"We have endured this administration long enough!" declared David Cobb, former Green Party presidential candidate and now self-appointed Leader of the Resistance, during his speech. "We no longer accept that greater America can make the right decision! We no longer believe that the Democrats are our only hope, and we won't sit back and wait four more years for Bush to run this country into the ground!"

Scant minutes before, former Green vice-presidential candidate Pat LaMarche, in full riot gear, led the storming of the New York MSNBC studios along with 5,000 troops. LaMarche and her former running mate Cobb claim to have taken military control of the country. "The National Guard cannot stand against us, because we have subsumed the National Guard!" LaMarche cried during the broadcast, gesturing behind her to reveal numerous National Guard uniforms in the crowd of soldiers that commanded the studios.

Experts speculate that the Greens have been hard at work for months planning the coup, which seems to have involved undermining the American military, understaffed and distracted by the never-ending war in Iraq. The Greens could well have exploited the dissatisfaction of many individuals in the armed forces who were disgusted with what many deem a "second Vietnam".

Former Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry, whom the Green forces located at a disused fallout shelter in Boston, Mass., said at gunpoint: "This is a difficult day for America. It looks as if I would have lost the official election at any rate. And so I, for one, welcome our new Green overlords and only hope that I can be of some service to this great military force that has taken control of our fair nation."

Unreachable for comment or reaction was President George W. Bush, presumed to be under Cheyenne Mountain at NORAD Colorado Springs, the closest refuge to his last known location in Crawford, Texas. Reports of the capture of Vice-President Dick Cheney somewhere in Virginia are unsubstantiated at this time.

More news to come as the Greens' bicoastal broadcasts continue.

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

US Patent Office Acknowledges Error in Judgment

Alexandria, VA (HACT) -- In a press release which is likely further to destabilize the shaky ground upon which United States patent law stands, the US Patent Office admitted that 80% of its employees can neither read nor write.

"The United States Patent Office must regrettably inform all holders of patents granted between March 1, 1986 and the present day that these patents are now suspended indefinitely. We, the employees of the USPTO, are recommending ourselves to governmental investigation on the grounds that approximately four-fifths of our employees are functionally illiterate."

This news came as a shock to many of the literate patent workers, mostly interns, who reported that they had had no idea of the widespread problem.

"We were getting perfectly lucid-seeming declarations of no prior art on our desks," said Patent Office intern Bettina Sweet. "Everything seemed legit. We had no reason to doubt them."

"This explains the flood of unbelievably idiotic patents in recent years," remarked Samuel Raul Morokoff of Friendship Times Quarterly. "I'm a cynic myself, but even I would never have guessed they literally couldn't read the applications."

According to the press release, most of the workers were simply accepting patent applications without even checking for prior art, often dictating a fictitious document to one intern as a "transcript", then submitting it as a prior art claim to another intern, whose supervisor would reject it after oral consultation with the intern.

"Once in 2002 I found a $50 bill and a half-crushed pack of Twinkies in an envelope with an application for a software patent," said Pauline Grebbels, an intern for three years. "My supervisor just turned red and said, 'I wondered where I left that.' It seemed strange at the time but I didn't really give it much thought, even a week later when the patent was approved due to no prior art." The application was a patent for "a window-based computer operating system".

The Department of Commerce, to which the Patent Office belongs, said in a response that it was "sick about the news" and would be conducting "brutally in-depth investigations." The words "body cavity" appeared no less than six times in the response.

Dick Frunwell of the DoC added, "Clearing out the mess of patents granted in the last 18 years is going to take at least 18 years."

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

FBI: Rumsfeld's Fingerprints Found on "Winds Of Black Death" Letter

Washington, DC (HACT) -- The Federal Bureau of Investigation countered public response to a letter alleged to be a threat from Osama bin Laden with its own report identifying Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's coffee-stain fingerprint on the letter's paper.

Letter purportedly from Osama bin Laden bears Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's unmistakables, says FBI

London's al-Quds al-Arabi daily newspaper received a statement purportedly from al-Qaeda on March 11 which claimed an attack on the United States was imminent.

"I find it extremely difficult to incriminate a member of the President's cabinet, but a coffee stain is a coffee stain," said FBI spokesperson Paulette X. Hoover of the March 11 report at a press conference today. "In addition, we were able to determine that Mr. Rumsfeld prefers no cream and three sugars."

The American public is still walking on eggshells a full two and a half years after the destruction of the World Trade Center. Stocks plummeted earlier today as news of the letter made its way around the country.

The US Securities and Exchange Commission has also issued a press release stating that it will be conducting an immediate investigation into possible stock sales on Rumsfeld's part which may have been motivated by the foreknowledge that such a threat would affect the market.

Bush administration critics and supporters alike took to the streets earlier this afternoon after the FBI's findings were released, condemning the deception as the lowest form of manipulation.

But not every American citizen was deceived.

"Even aside from the fingerprint, who'd believe this was from bin Laden?" queried political analyst Samuel Raul Morokoff of Friendship Times Quarterly. "The letter reads, 'We bring the good news to Muslims of the world that the expected 'Winds of Black Death' strike against America is now in its final stage... 90 percent [complete] and God willing near.' Someone needs to inform Rumsfeld that the Muslims refer to their deity as Allah, and while they're at it tell him to lay off the Starbucks."

In related news, the origin of the bombs which exploded in commuter trains in Madrid, Spain is still in doubt. While Basque separatist group ETA was the initial suspect, an Arabic audio tape of Koran verses found in a van near Madrid seemed to link the attacks to al Qaeda. However, an email to London's al-Quds al-Arabi newspaper claimed the attacks were al Qaeda's while referring to the attacks by the foolish-sounding name "Operation Death Trains", which led some analysts to suggest another Rumsfeld connection.

"It's just what a warmongering American would write after five cups of coffee," remarked Morokoff.

--Mark Schalofski §

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Capsules for the weekend of Feb. 28-29, 2004

More security hassles at Diebold

Bush White House let campaign plot slip, says analyst

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Shareholder Seeks to Commit SCO's Darl McBride

SCO's Darl McBride "may do himself harm", says shareholder

The application for commitment alleged "unstable, incongruous behavior" on McBride's part and claimed that he could do himself or others harm in the immediate future.

Shalotny owns "a considerable number" of SCO shares and was employed as a file clerk from 2001 to 2003.  "I frequently saw Mr. McBride going to and from the toilet," she related in an exclusive interview with HACT, "and if the day's news was bad he'd be angrily muttering to himself, which I found quite alarming.

"What with the earnings conference call coming up, that Novell lawsuit and the whole Mydoom virus thing, I felt things were coming to a head," stated Shalotny. "I can just see Mr. McBride stewing away in his office, maybe planning another lawsuit against one of his customers."

In order for an adult to be committed to medical authority in Lindon, Utah, base of operations for the SCO Group, the applicant must submit a statement that the person in question may cause harm to himself or others. In addition, a statement from a physician or medical examiner is needed, unless the person has refused to submit to an examination of his mental condition. "I called Mr. McBride and explained that he needs to be assessed by a physician, and he hung up on me," writes Shalotny in the application.

The application goes on to cite examples of McBride's alleged instability:

• Disconnection from own identity: "We're either right or we're not. If we're wrong, we deserve people throwing rocks at us. But what if SCO is right?"
• Paranoid and self-deluding behavior: "We're finding code that looks like it's been obfuscated to make it look like it wasn't UnixWare code -- but it was."
• Inability to distinguish between right and wrong, flattening of affect: "[On suing SCO's own customers] First, it's not our customers. I would say we're suing end users. There are only two industries who use the term 'users' -- computers and drugs. Not sure if there's a connection there."
• Delusions of grandeur: "There will be a day of reckoning for Red Hat and SuSE when this is done."

"I must confess, I've never had a request quite like it," he declared. "Most applications for commitment, and we don't get a lot, come from family members.

"But this guy, I don't know. That Ms. Shalotny, maybe she has something here." §

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Oh My God! It Finally Happened to ME!

Return-Path: susanmatin@zwallet.com
Delivered-To: name@domain.tld
Received: (qmail 1633 invoked by alias); 4 Mar 2004 21:44:07 -0000
Delivered-To: alias-name2@domain.tld
Received: (qmail 1624 invoked from network); 4 Mar 2004 21:44:04 -0000
Received: from unknown (HELO 192.168.1.100) (207.216.21.239)
  by server.domain.tld with SMTP; 4 Mar 2004 21:44:04 -0000
Reply-To: susan matin 
From: susan matin 
To: Lastname F 
Subject: New message
Date: Thu, 4 Mar 2004 00:44:42 -0800
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: multipart/related;
        boundary="= Multipart Boundary 0304040044"
X-Priority: 3 (Normal)
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-Mailer: Atomic Mail Sender 2.36
X-MimeOLE: Produced by Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2800.1165

                AUSTROCANADIANLOTTERY CORPORATION.
                                           WWW.AUSTROCANADIANLOTTERY.COM

  To M: Lastname F
   Address: Box 000 Name Of City STATE 00000 US
   Tele: 000-000-0000

   REF NO: IPD/2670148402/03.
   BATCH NO: 27/0093/IXI

   ATTN: M: Lastname F
                                                             AUTHORIZATION
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Just for fun, here's their WHOIS info:

        Domain Name: austrocanadianlottery.com
                Created on .............Mon Nov 24 11:41:27 2003
                Expires on .............Wed Nov 24 14:41:28 2004
                Record last updated on .Tue Dec 02 23:15:10 2003
                Status .................LOCK

        Administrative Contact:
                AustroCanadian Lottery
                Neils Nielsen
                9-2572 East Hastings
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                V5K 1Z3, CA
                 ( )604-551-2541
                 ()
                neilsnielsen@yahoo.ca

        Domain servers in listed order:
                ns1.netnation.com  204.174.223.1
                ns2.netnation.com  204.174.223.31

(austrocanadianlottery.com)

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Monotheist Terrorists Invade Iraq

Baghdad (HACT) -- Title-Only Report (tm) §

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Editorial: Is Spain Full of Cowards?

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Back From the Dead

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Rice's Testimony Ensures No Further Inquiry into 9/11

In a stunning coup for the Bush administration, the commission to investigate 9/11 will publicly question National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice under oath "and then that's it, zilcho after that," chirped President Bush gleefully.

National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice saves the Bush boys' bacon

The commission agreed to seek no further public testimony from any members of the administration.

"Naturally we're excited," raved Vice-President Cheney. "We never thought we'd get off this easy." He then twirled a small paper noisemaker.

The problem of making public statements under oath without blatantly lying has been the main hindrance to the Bush administration's efforts to repair its tarnished image. Growing citizen suspicion of the Bush family's ties to the bin Laden family and inconvenient written records of the aggressive foreign policy in the Middle East have been feeding the fire of doubt as the presidential election draws near.

But that's all behind them now.

"Condie had no idea what was going on," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said over champagne and caviar during the 36-hour nonstop party that followed the commission's decision. "We kept her well out of the loop, as you might imagine. She can say whatever she wants. Haw!"

Commissioner Slade Gorton, whose name is among the silliest in the commission, stumbled onto the raucous party shortly after it began in order to retrieve his gold fountain pen. "They all laughed when I entered the room," said Gorton, "and [Attorney General John] Ashcroft was dangling from a chandelier mooning me and yelling, 'Face!'"

Richard Clarke, whose book "Against All Enemies" leveled some harsh accusations against the Bush administration's handling of 9/11, was unavailable for comment. However, reporters listening at his office door claimed to hear "a soft, pitiful sobbing." §

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

Editorial: Learning from our past

Democratic golden boy John Kerry was dealt a stinging public relations blow on Sunday when New York Times reporter Elizabeth Bumiller asked him, "Is God on America's side?" Such tests of one's rhetoric are part and parcel of being a presidential hopeful. They're never fair, and they always come at just the wrong time.

Kerry's disappointingly stuttering response is going to lose him some points with the simple-minded folks for whom the answer has to be a resounding "Yes!", but that's not what I find sad. What's sad is the lack of passion and of rhetorical skill evident, to everyone's embarrassment, in the only people who have any chance of unseating Mr. Bush, the Democratic Party. Regrettable. In the year 2004 there is no longer an excuse for not knowing that the battle is won or lost with rhetoric.

Not to mention that there was low-hanging fruit Kerry could have plucked, if only he had studied the great rhetoricians of our sometimes actually illustrious past. Abraham Lincoln wisely and deftly deflected this very question, and at a time when, from a religious standpoint, it almost had to be answered straight: "Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my great concern is to be on God's side."

Kerry could have reached higher as well -- he passed up the chance to call into doubt the very appropriateness of such a question. In fact, a skilled orator could finally show Bush for the simpering warmonger he is, but skilled orators are nowhere to be found on the Left, leaving the ring open for a big crew of dirty fighters who, in the absence of a challenge, can make brutality look like skill.

But I would have settled for the golden quote, or, in a pinch, meaningful silence. After all, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.

But you knew that.

-- Editor §

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)

White House Puts Kerry on the Spot -- Again

Washington, DC (HACT) -- Despite a strongly-worded response from the Kerry campaign, the White House today renewed its appeal to Senator John Kerry to reveal the names of the world leaders Kerry claimed privately support his campaign.

"If he doesn't tell us who is supposedly supporting him, we have to assume that Kerry is a lying poo-poo head," stated Vice President Cheney in a press conference on Capitol Hill today.

Cheney on Kerry: "poo-poo head"

Cheney then made a farty noise with his mouth.

"Poo-poo head," stressed Cheney.

A few hours after Secretary of State Colin Powell's request yesterday for Kerry to name his alleged supporters, President Bush convened an impromptu Cabinet meeting in the hallway outside the boys' gym with Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld. The three engaged in furious whispering and giggling before coming to a hurried stop as one of the teachers walked by.

"Who's your friends, Kerry?" taunted Attorney General John Ashcroft shortly after first bell. When asked by reporters if Ashcroft was "bugging him", Senator Kerry merely expressed surprise that "Johnny is in with them" but denied that Ashcroft had made him cry.

Experts theorize that the Bush administration will not rest until Kerry has revealed the names of his actual or fictive supporters, possibly resorting to kicking sand in the face of the Massachusetts senator or giving him a "swirly". If Kerry cracks, however, Bush and his friends will probably just try to beat the others up after school.

"They're not the boss of me," said Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany. "Me and Putin and Miller are gonna jump 'em if they try anything." However, when asked if Germany had indeed given Kerry its tacit support, Schroeder gasped and replied, "I ain't telling." He then looked around in a panic and ran from the schoolyard.

(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)