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FBI: Rumsfeld's Fingerprints Found on "Winds Of Black Death" Letter
Posted GMT
Washington, DC (HACT) -- The Federal Bureau of Investigation countered public response to a letter alleged to be a threat from Osama bin Laden with its own report identifying Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's coffee-stain fingerprint on the letter's paper.
 |
| Letter purportedly from Osama bin Laden bears
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's unmistakables, says FBI |
London's al-Quds al-Arabi daily newspaper received a statement purportedly from al-Qaeda on March 11 which claimed an attack on the United States was imminent.
"I find it extremely difficult to incriminate a member of the President's cabinet, but a coffee stain is a coffee stain," said FBI spokesperson Paulette X. Hoover of the March 11 report at a press conference today. "In addition, we were able to determine that Mr. Rumsfeld prefers no cream and three sugars."
The American public is still walking on eggshells a full two and a half years after the destruction of the World Trade Center. Stocks plummeted earlier today as news of the letter made its way around the country.
The US Securities and Exchange Commission has also issued a press release stating that it will be conducting an immediate investigation into possible stock sales on Rumsfeld's part which may have been motivated by the foreknowledge that such a threat would affect the market.
Bush administration critics and supporters alike took to the streets earlier this afternoon after the FBI's findings were released, condemning the deception as the lowest form of manipulation.
But not every American citizen was deceived.
"Even aside from the fingerprint, who'd believe this was from bin Laden?" queried political analyst Samuel Raul Morokoff of Friendship Times Quarterly. "The letter reads, 'We bring the good news to Muslims of the world that the expected 'Winds of Black Death' strike against America is now in its final stage... 90 percent [complete] and God willing near.' Someone needs to inform Rumsfeld that the Muslims refer to their deity as Allah, and while they're at it tell him to lay off the Starbucks."
In related news, the origin of the bombs which exploded in commuter trains in Madrid, Spain is still in doubt. While Basque separatist group ETA was the initial suspect, an Arabic audio tape of Koran verses found in a van near Madrid seemed to link the attacks to al Qaeda. However, an email to London's al-Quds al-Arabi newspaper claimed the attacks were al Qaeda's while referring to the attacks by the foolish-sounding name "Operation Death Trains", which led some analysts to suggest another Rumsfeld connection.
"It's just what a warmongering American would write after five cups of coffee," remarked Morokoff.
--Mark Schalofski §
(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)